why do we like to be sad? i feel content right now because i'm sad. i love being in love and i love being sad. there has got to be something wrong with that. it is so not normal. i wish i could be happy, but i'm so content when i'm like this. i just got done with my last episode of Six Feet for a while to come. yes, the ending sucked, but it ended the only way it could; perfect. now i'm here listening to this song, this perfect sad song. its like JEW's Clarity album. sad and amazing. for anyone who cares, Something Corporate - Konstantine. i never want to leave this chair. i want to keep feeling like this.
i feel like i'm being pulled each and every direction. some pull me into adulthood, whatever that means. then some try to keep me at 19 years old. i don't know where i am right now. i want to be 19, and i've considered myself 19 for four years now. but when i look at someone like lyndsie, she seems so young. i know i'm not 19 anymore when i see her and it breaks my heart. what am i then? what is 23? should i be acting more like a parent or responsible? even if i should, what if i don't want to? why do i have to follow someone's time table? what about my time table? am i trying to set the world record for most consecutive questions in one paragraph? its obvious i don't want to grow up, but i'm willing to accept the fact that i'll never be 19 again. i wish that was enough for everyone. that's probably why i love being alone. i can live how i want, no criticism for what i do. how can anyone be happy? i don't understand how anyone my age can just have a happy life. there is so much crap in the world and the drama runs knee deep every step of the way. maybe this is just the way it is and i need to find a better way to just get used to it, become more tolerable. thought of something in a kind of funny/morbid way, but i was thinking that just in case bad crap happens, i could always have a backup plan waiting in the wings, but what is my backup plan to life?
on another subject, i bought a new video card online. i'm sure this one won't work either and i'll be screwed, out another hundred bucks. speaking of handing out my money, feel pretty good today cuz i made a little contribution to our next president. i got flamed by my wife today when i told her i was doing it, and i'm sure i'll get more crap from others, but i know i would have regretted it had i not done it. my weekend of work starts tomorrow. i'm already looking forward to monday.
when i'm in law school, i'm going to go back to marching again. do you know how good i could have been had i kept playing from high school till now? i know this is just some way for me to hold on to something i lost a long time ago, but all i have is the past. i barely have a grip on today, and the future is something that seems i'll never catch up to. its funny because if i do end up doing it, i'll be the only one. everyone will either have graduated school altogether or just got sick of it years prior. i'm sure by then standley lake won't even have a music program. it'll just be me living in my fantasy world. and some of you might be thinking i'm nuts right now, but i guarantee that a good portion of you will be my neighbors in fantasy world. 19 or 23, some of us are having the hardest time growing up.
No comments:
Post a Comment